I Hate My Marriage but I Don t Want to Divorce Again

I am a man who has been married to my wife for 32 years. I told her I loved her five days after I met her. She was also my outset sexual experience. I was 23 and she was 18. Nosotros both said information technology was a dearest-at-outset-sight thing, and I'll still agree to that today. Only now it's 32 years afterward. Nosotros have two grown daughters, one who has given us ii grandchildren, and some other who married and left her husband a little over a year into their marriage. I am like others I've read here. I am no longer in love with my married woman, although I do intendance for her a lot. I accept never cheated on her, just I picture myself in a single-life state of affairs with the ability to date all the fourth dimension. I will say that two years ago I did run into a woman I work with, and we hit it off immediately. Nosotros have traveled together with our task, and even spent a week together in Wyoming, although naught happened. To this mean solar day, we talk on a daily footing, sometimes for hours. She knows virtually my family, and I know and have met her family. She has ii teenage boys and a teenage daughter, and I practice believe they like me. I accept been to her business firm on several occasions just to talk or watch a picture show, and have even had a few meals with her. I guess my point existence that what I have with her is what I had with my wife when we met, merely in my eyes aren't even close to having anymore. There is a twenty-year age deviation between my friend and I, just it doesn't seem to bother either of us. We accept told each other that we are each other'south best friends, and told each other that nosotros dearest each other and could never run into that changing. My wife is aware of her existence, since we practice work together occasionally. We would sometimes be on the phone together when my family unit was all in the house, but not on purpose, that'due south simply the style it worked out. My wife finally confronted me almost information technology, proverb information technology bothered her and that I seemed happier talking with my friend than I did with her, which is pretty much authentic. At the end of the twenty-four hour period, I tin can't see myself spending the rest of my life with my wife or without her. And more and more, I see my life with my female friend and her family. There is nothing fix in stone, and we take never talked about that aspect because I am married. But I think if I were to divorce my wife, it could happen. I believe the 1 thing that has stopped me from leaving is the turmoil it would create with my children and grandchildren, but I have to do something for me, not everyone else. This thought process consumes my life daily. I'm tired of being smothered by my wife trying to evidence she loves me, and if I don't do something about information technology before long, I volition lose the opportunity to alive the residuum of my days in happiness. If it seems similar I've rambled on, I'chiliad lamentable. It's the frustration of what I am facing. —Ready to Go
Dearest Set up to Go,

Thank y'all for reaching out and request these important questions. I appreciate how hard it is to inquire for help and I'm actually glad you did. I am going to share my thoughts on your situation as candidly equally possible.

You say, "I've never cheated on my wife," and I would venture that you are talking well-nigh never having had sexual contact outside of your matrimony. Withal, there is another side to infidelity that many people are unaware of or fail to admit—the emotional thing. An emotional affair is when a married or committed partner turns to an private outside of the partnership to fulfill emotional needs. The state of affairs yous are describing with your coworker sounds like an emotional affair, specially because information technology appears that your wife is not aware of the type and amount of contact yous take had with this woman.

While affairs may progress in whatsoever number of means, they don't generally "just happen." Affairs happen by a series of small compromises: sharing secrets with someone other than your partner; doing things with someone that mostly should be reserved for your partner, such as going to the movies or having nice meals out; and hiding behavior. Eventually, many people observe themselves in an all-out affair. While I'm not suggesting that yous are having an thing, y'all are certainly on a slippery slope, and it is credible that this "friendship" is taking a cost on your union. Even if goose egg has happened yet, there is a very existent possibility that could change very quickly.

Find a Therapist for Relationships

There are a few significant things that make a human relationship with someone exterior of a partner so enticing. For one, it's new. As anyone who has always purchased a new car can adjure, the newness of the car is exciting. Y'all can't await to bear witness information technology off, tell everyone about it, and you burst with excitement every time you bulldoze it. After a while, however, the newness wears off and you go accustomed to it. And so, you become more than aware of its quirks and maintenance costs. At this betoken, some people will trade in for a newer car to endeavor to recapture that feeling.

In marriage, the concept is the same—when y'all met your wife, information technology was new and exciting. Now, after 32 years, ii children, 2 grandchildren, and a life together, the newness is gone. The excitement has worn off, and yous know this woman similar you know yourself. I suspect that is role of what makes the human relationship with this other woman and so exciting—it'due south new. There are new things to acquire, explore, and share, while with your married woman you lot may be feeling like yous've been there, done that.

Starting a new relationship after a long marriage can be exciting, just I must caution you that the friendship you describe is steeped in fantasy; almost every new relationship is. At this bespeak, your life with your wife is full of responsibility and with the daily tasks of living—the bills, kids, grandkids, work, college tuition, and household chores. The relationship with the other woman doesn't accept whatsoever of those components now, but should y'all choose to end your marriage and start a life with her, those elements will exist present along with the added challenge of blending families. Before yous make any large conclusion, it'south important to step back and wait at this from a realistic perspective, beyond the fantasy and romantic idealization.

Finally, you state that you desire to be happy and that y'all're concerned that you will lose the opportunity to live your days in happiness. From my perspective, happiness is an internal condition. Viktor Frankl reminds the states that the "last of the human freedoms [is] to choose one'south attitude in any given fix of circumstances, to choose ane'due south own way." You are making your happiness contingent on what happens in your life and your relationships, when your focus really ought to be on how to find fulfillment, happiness, and joy in your life on your own. If there is one thing that is constant in this life, it is that nada stays the same. Therefore, the highest task of living, in my opinion, is learning how to surf the waters of life and maintaining an inner sense of peace, joy, and happiness … no thing what is happening.

Y'all do non accept an easy choice to brand in this state of affairs, and I would encourage you to seek out someone to talk with you lot nearly this. A good therapist can help you navigate the waters and help yous become enlightened of things y'all may non soon see.

Best wishes in the journeying,
Lisa

Lisa Vallejos

Lisa Vallejos, PhD, LPC, specializes in existential psychology. Her primary focus is helping people to exist more nowadays in their lives, more engaged with their existence, and to face the world with courage. Lisa began her career in the mental health field working in residential treatment, community mental health centers, and with adjudicated individuals earlier moving into private practice. She is in the process of finishing a PhD also as advanced training in existential-humanistic psychotherapy, and provides clinical preparation and supervision.

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Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/dear-gt/after-32-years-im-ready-to-leave-my-wife-and-take-a-chance

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